February 12, 2004
Day one of the North India tour. I received my spiritual name from Amma sometime around 11pm on Februrary 8th, after several days of emotional "trauma". Amma is showing me that She knows my every thought and deepest longings. She has answered ALL prayers, creating external and internal circumstances which both enable me to transcend my vasanas and also strengthen my love, faith and devotion. The ecstacy of the guru-sishya relationship is the most fulfilling, blissful experience one can have. The fact that Amma knows my weaknesses and creates the perfect situations which help me to develop spiritually, in a manner which is unique to my personal makeup (and that She does this with MILLIONS of Her devotees simultaneously!) intensifies my love and faith. Amma has been so profoundly merciful to me these past months! She blessed me with everything I have ever longed for and more.
The name She gave me, Niscala (Nischala), means "stillness", steady, unwavering, no movement of the mind. The fact that She graced me with this name shows that She knows me most intimately! She knows that my main weakness has been inconsistency, lack of steadiness, alternating between bhoga/tyaga.
I have been crying with gratitude several times each day. Words cannot express what Amma has done for me. To receive my name, She first (in answer to my prayer to remove everything which gets in the way of my ability to love and serve Her selflessly and to love and serve Her children selflessly) created a very intense "crisis" where upon I felt the heaviness of the ego, the root/base of selfishness. I saw how I wanted darshan for myself, to enjoy Amma myself - and I felt deeply attached to receiving a name from Amma on Saturday. But I chose to surrender this attachment in order to serve Amma by serving Her devotees, helping THEM receive darshan instead of getting it myself. This put a lot of pressure in my heart chakra, and I cried for some time afterwards. There was a heaviness, sadness and depression which arose and it wasn't lifted for nearly 24 hours.
The next day, I prayed to Amma about my desire to surrender to Her will, and to help me serve others rather than focusing on my own needs and desires. I also prayed for Her to help me deal more effectively with the stage monitor seva, which I find overly stressful and emotionally traumatic. She, being so loving, generous and compassionate, took mercy on me and enabled me to have an easier, gentler seva of locating Westerners and helping them on stage (so I did not have to deal with the chaos and stress of self-assertion on stage). I received so much gratitude and love from the Western devotees that night, and I began to realize that service to others is deeply fulfilling. Blessings come when we obey Amma's teachings!
I prayed to be able to meditate upon Her lotus face, and after all the trauma of not being able to sit with Her on Saturday (or receive darshan the previous days due to my seva), She allowed me, by means of a sprecial leela, to sit DIRECTLY in front of Her for a very long time! Amma is showing me that by sacrificing my own needs and desires for others, and putting Her (and Her children) first, all I need and long for will come to me without any effort on my part.
I was standing in the name line, not realizing there were many Indian women in line for mantras and two weddings (and men in line on the other side) - so that when I kneeled in front of Amma, She leaned over and almost gave me a mantra! Then She looked up (acting) confused, looked at me and said, "You Annapurna", then laughed. I was forced to my feet and then back to my knees, where I was able to meditate upon Her most attractive face for a long time. This was the longest I have ever sat in front of Amma, and no one was in front of me to block my view! She knew that I had prayed to be able to do so, so that I would be centered upon Her when receiving my name. This leela also made the experience very special to me, which was another of my hearts longings! The smile on Her face, especially when performing the marriages and during the pada puja and when receiving a garland - is exquisite! This is what breaks my heart open! When She was choosing my name, She looked very intently at the name book, then said "Niscala"...then on prasad day, She gave me the most wonderful look - it was as though She was really seeing me for the first time. She made a connection which I've been longing for, showed me that She DOES love me and know me, and acknowledges my efforts to obey Her. She smiled at me, which is something I had been praying for (She smiled at me twice, on Sunday and Tuesday).
I have never been so deeply content, fulfilled, happy, joyful and satisfied. This is the only thing in life which truly gives me happiness! I cannot imagine ever leaving Her lotus feet again! I have such intense motivation and determination to follow Amma's teachings, to do my sadhana and please Her. I am willing to suffer and sacrifice my selfishness and egoic tendencies for Her sake. How grateful I am that She saved me from a life of materialism and self-oriented suffering! May my faith, love and devotion grow and blossom, so that I will be able to serve all beings with an open, compassionate heart.
The mind cannot comprehend how Amma is able to manifest/control life events in such a way as to fulfill Her devotee's deepest longings and to help them transcend their vasanas..the truth of who She is is PROFOUND. She is God, the all-pervading Consciousness, my very Self. This is why She is able to answer all prayers and yearnings. What a blessing to be able to have Her close association and guidance! She is the One who guided me back to Her after so many years spent seeking for happiness in the world. I owe Her my life. I pray that I may be able to surrender my ego/mind fully and remain tied to Her lotus feet until this body dies. I have been blessed with tears for God, She has given me bhakti - guru bhakti...this is so purifying. She is so merciful! May I lead a life that is pleasing to Her! Dear Ma, never let this child go! Hold me tightly to Your bosom and grant me the strength necessary to surrender fully to whatever arises, knowing it to be Your Divine will.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Amma breaks my ego
February 7, 2006
Feeling sad - I have been trying to get darshan for a week now, missed out three times already. This evening, I ended up doing stage monitoring and missed my chance again, only I felt very strongly that this was Amma's doing. She is breaking my ego, my selfishness. By doing stage monitoring, a job I intensely dislike, my ego was effectively smashed to pieces. My heart felt very heavy the moment I realized I may miss darshan again (as my seva didn't allow me to receive darshan myself), yet my attachments to getting a spiritual name and having my mala blessed are selfish because Amma wanted me to serve Her by being a stage monitor rather than getting darshan myself. The irony is that although this situation broke my heart, I also JUST prayed for Her to break my ego!! To remove whatever is in the way of true love and devotion to Her. She is showing me now what must go and IT HURTS! Yet I also welcomed it, it is like a "good pain", though after the fact I was quite traumatized. At first, I broke down sobbing with gratitude in the recognition that She was responsible for creating the situations necessary for me to transcend my ego - out of LOVE for me...I felt overwhelmed with gratitude and devotion - another prayer answered (I pray for deeper love and devotion to Amma).
To do what I don't enjoy for others sake, to sacrifice my own desires and preferences for others happiness - this is what Amma wants me to do. Yet now I feel cut off from others and alone, and very sad. Something shifted after today's darshan. I keep wanting to cry, my smile has gone. Why?? So sad. Feeling far from Amma, like I am missing out....I forgot to mention that the stage was total chaos - which contributed to my emotional state, lots of stress - but when I am with Amma, all emotions become universal. I feel sadness from childhood, and the sadness of all people. I feel very discouraged by my own capacity to be a good disciple, I feel sad that my ego is still here. Feeling the heaviness of the ego.
The look (smile) on Amma's face as they were doing pada puja on stage after darshan is incredible!! You get the sense that She is the Supreme, and in love with Her devotees! Yet I am feeling sad because I have not had much personal interaction with Her and I feel very regretful because I am not a good devotee. I am so selfish and yet I know I am actually doing most everything She says. My wandering mind tends to make me discouraged, but Amma doesn't want us to feel this way, so then I feel bad for feeling bad! Yikes.
She gave one devotee such a loving glance when she was doing prasad seva and I felt sad because Amma hasn't given me much attention like this - but this is not true love, this is jealousy/envy, unhealthy attachment to Amma - so of course I feel bad all over again! Maybe it's astrological? Overwhelmed and discouraged, feeling alone/cut off, sad.
Feeling sad - I have been trying to get darshan for a week now, missed out three times already. This evening, I ended up doing stage monitoring and missed my chance again, only I felt very strongly that this was Amma's doing. She is breaking my ego, my selfishness. By doing stage monitoring, a job I intensely dislike, my ego was effectively smashed to pieces. My heart felt very heavy the moment I realized I may miss darshan again (as my seva didn't allow me to receive darshan myself), yet my attachments to getting a spiritual name and having my mala blessed are selfish because Amma wanted me to serve Her by being a stage monitor rather than getting darshan myself. The irony is that although this situation broke my heart, I also JUST prayed for Her to break my ego!! To remove whatever is in the way of true love and devotion to Her. She is showing me now what must go and IT HURTS! Yet I also welcomed it, it is like a "good pain", though after the fact I was quite traumatized. At first, I broke down sobbing with gratitude in the recognition that She was responsible for creating the situations necessary for me to transcend my ego - out of LOVE for me...I felt overwhelmed with gratitude and devotion - another prayer answered (I pray for deeper love and devotion to Amma).
To do what I don't enjoy for others sake, to sacrifice my own desires and preferences for others happiness - this is what Amma wants me to do. Yet now I feel cut off from others and alone, and very sad. Something shifted after today's darshan. I keep wanting to cry, my smile has gone. Why?? So sad. Feeling far from Amma, like I am missing out....I forgot to mention that the stage was total chaos - which contributed to my emotional state, lots of stress - but when I am with Amma, all emotions become universal. I feel sadness from childhood, and the sadness of all people. I feel very discouraged by my own capacity to be a good disciple, I feel sad that my ego is still here. Feeling the heaviness of the ego.
The look (smile) on Amma's face as they were doing pada puja on stage after darshan is incredible!! You get the sense that She is the Supreme, and in love with Her devotees! Yet I am feeling sad because I have not had much personal interaction with Her and I feel very regretful because I am not a good devotee. I am so selfish and yet I know I am actually doing most everything She says. My wandering mind tends to make me discouraged, but Amma doesn't want us to feel this way, so then I feel bad for feeling bad! Yikes.
She gave one devotee such a loving glance when she was doing prasad seva and I felt sad because Amma hasn't given me much attention like this - but this is not true love, this is jealousy/envy, unhealthy attachment to Amma - so of course I feel bad all over again! Maybe it's astrological? Overwhelmed and discouraged, feeling alone/cut off, sad.
Sunday, April 11, 2004
Amma's satsang talk and darshan
Jan 30, 2004
Today was my first darshan in 5 years. Amma did a major healing of very deep sorrow and compassion and regret for not having been more devoted and loving with others.....sooo many issues came to the surface as I stood in line waiting for Her darshan. She spoke about angry words being like a virus that spreads to others, and I felt the pain of all the anger and conflict which has been manifesting this past week as well as my own part in spreading this 'virus'. I especially felt deep sorrow for my turning away from spiritual life, for doubting Amma, for blaming Her for the ignorant/hurtful actions of Her children. My heart felt very heavy, as waves and waves of sorrow arose in relation to the empathy I was feeling for all beings who are suffering on this planet. My mother especially - I felt her pain at a core level and it tore my heart wide open. Amma's expression when She first saw me was that of empathizing with my sorrow (it was like an, "Oh you poor thing!" look:) She did not smile at all, but only had a kind of frown/scowl as if She was feeling my hurt. She tried to feed be a huge piece of prasad, but because I was sobbing so hard, She could only touch it to my lips and then She placed it in my hand. The tears continued to flow even after I watched Her walk up the stairs to Her room. I felt completely non-embarrassed about my sobbing like a baby with snot running down my face. I cried all during lunch - while walking past all the devotees with my plate of food.....I relaized that I had been so "stuck" in perceiving only the negative, focusing only on the conflict that had been arising at the ashram - forgetting all the loving interactions that I have also had here. My prayer today was simply asking Amma for forgiveness for abandoning Her and my sadhana. I realized that everything I long for and am seeking is IN AMMA, that I need to stay here and that all thoughts to the contrary stems from the ego, the liar and great trickster. As I gazed upon Her enchanting face, I realized that my deepest longings are contained in Her - She is soooo attractive, the most attractive Being, so easy to meditate upon and dedicate myself to!!
I feel so sad and ashamed for the way I have been behaving lately, for my withholding and my judgemental/critical attitude. Amma's talk touched upon everything I needed and yearned to hear. She spoke of our need to use this body as an instrument for Self-realization rather than for self-gratification. She spoke of our devotion to God being only part-time and not intense enough (She said that our yearning for God should be like a fish out of water). She told us that we should introspect ourselves daily to see how much devotion and dedication we have for the Lord. She talked about our tendency to dwell on the past and future and our need to be in the present, to use the present moment in the best way possible (for God-realization). She said it is our unintelligent (wrong) attachment to the body that is the cause of all sorrow. We need to realize that this body is an instrument God has given us to realize the Supreme - we are all just tourists on this earth and we never know when we will have to check out. She said that we have an expectation that others should love us, but that this is not the nature of this world. Amma said it is important to discipline the body because by doing so and maintaining the purity of the body, which is a temple of God, we can go deep within and transcend all imitations and realize the Supreme goal. When we have this understanding, we will have discrimination in thought, word and deed. The lack of control and lack of discrimination, such as uttering angry words, is like a virus that spreads to others. If a mold is defective, all the idols made with the mold will have the same defect. If our words are full of anger and hatred, we will cause harm to others (and to ourselves because we will have to experience the result of our actions in the future) and they in turn will spread it to others, so it is important to have discrimination in our thoughts, words and actions. Amma also talked about how the dharma of the ashram is reflected in the need to have God as a priority and how the dharma of the body is that it should be used as an instrument for attaining the Supreme. We need to use this body understanding its dharma.
I am profoundly grateful to have come out of (been pulled out of by Amma) my negative perception of ashram life and the people in it and to have my faith, devotion and trust in Amma renewed! This was my prayer last night during bhajans, I kept praying, "Please save me from myself", to tie me to Her lotus feet. One of the bhajans we sang repeated the phrase "Give me love, faith and devotion" over and over. I realize that this is all that I need. Amma! I am intoxicated with Amma's pure love. It pains me to realize that I have spoken negatively to others about Her ashram and in doing so, inadvertently placed doubt in them about Her divinity. I have been behaving in such a way that I was causing others to remain in maya rather than inspiring them to be loving and motivated to strive towards God-realization.
My desire is to realease my expectations, not even subtly demanding that others behave in a certain way towards me, and to be always happy, loving, kind and compassionate, inspiring others, making them feel loved and cared for. Jai Ma! Amma has saved this fallen soul from lifetimes of futile seeking and suffering. I am eternally indebted to my beloved Mother. She has manifested all good qualities in me such as faith, love, devotion, etc. I am so grateful to be here.
Today was my first darshan in 5 years. Amma did a major healing of very deep sorrow and compassion and regret for not having been more devoted and loving with others.....sooo many issues came to the surface as I stood in line waiting for Her darshan. She spoke about angry words being like a virus that spreads to others, and I felt the pain of all the anger and conflict which has been manifesting this past week as well as my own part in spreading this 'virus'. I especially felt deep sorrow for my turning away from spiritual life, for doubting Amma, for blaming Her for the ignorant/hurtful actions of Her children. My heart felt very heavy, as waves and waves of sorrow arose in relation to the empathy I was feeling for all beings who are suffering on this planet. My mother especially - I felt her pain at a core level and it tore my heart wide open. Amma's expression when She first saw me was that of empathizing with my sorrow (it was like an, "Oh you poor thing!" look:) She did not smile at all, but only had a kind of frown/scowl as if She was feeling my hurt. She tried to feed be a huge piece of prasad, but because I was sobbing so hard, She could only touch it to my lips and then She placed it in my hand. The tears continued to flow even after I watched Her walk up the stairs to Her room. I felt completely non-embarrassed about my sobbing like a baby with snot running down my face. I cried all during lunch - while walking past all the devotees with my plate of food.....I relaized that I had been so "stuck" in perceiving only the negative, focusing only on the conflict that had been arising at the ashram - forgetting all the loving interactions that I have also had here. My prayer today was simply asking Amma for forgiveness for abandoning Her and my sadhana. I realized that everything I long for and am seeking is IN AMMA, that I need to stay here and that all thoughts to the contrary stems from the ego, the liar and great trickster. As I gazed upon Her enchanting face, I realized that my deepest longings are contained in Her - She is soooo attractive, the most attractive Being, so easy to meditate upon and dedicate myself to!!
I feel so sad and ashamed for the way I have been behaving lately, for my withholding and my judgemental/critical attitude. Amma's talk touched upon everything I needed and yearned to hear. She spoke of our need to use this body as an instrument for Self-realization rather than for self-gratification. She spoke of our devotion to God being only part-time and not intense enough (She said that our yearning for God should be like a fish out of water). She told us that we should introspect ourselves daily to see how much devotion and dedication we have for the Lord. She talked about our tendency to dwell on the past and future and our need to be in the present, to use the present moment in the best way possible (for God-realization). She said it is our unintelligent (wrong) attachment to the body that is the cause of all sorrow. We need to realize that this body is an instrument God has given us to realize the Supreme - we are all just tourists on this earth and we never know when we will have to check out. She said that we have an expectation that others should love us, but that this is not the nature of this world. Amma said it is important to discipline the body because by doing so and maintaining the purity of the body, which is a temple of God, we can go deep within and transcend all imitations and realize the Supreme goal. When we have this understanding, we will have discrimination in thought, word and deed. The lack of control and lack of discrimination, such as uttering angry words, is like a virus that spreads to others. If a mold is defective, all the idols made with the mold will have the same defect. If our words are full of anger and hatred, we will cause harm to others (and to ourselves because we will have to experience the result of our actions in the future) and they in turn will spread it to others, so it is important to have discrimination in our thoughts, words and actions. Amma also talked about how the dharma of the ashram is reflected in the need to have God as a priority and how the dharma of the body is that it should be used as an instrument for attaining the Supreme. We need to use this body understanding its dharma.
I am profoundly grateful to have come out of (been pulled out of by Amma) my negative perception of ashram life and the people in it and to have my faith, devotion and trust in Amma renewed! This was my prayer last night during bhajans, I kept praying, "Please save me from myself", to tie me to Her lotus feet. One of the bhajans we sang repeated the phrase "Give me love, faith and devotion" over and over. I realize that this is all that I need. Amma! I am intoxicated with Amma's pure love. It pains me to realize that I have spoken negatively to others about Her ashram and in doing so, inadvertently placed doubt in them about Her divinity. I have been behaving in such a way that I was causing others to remain in maya rather than inspiring them to be loving and motivated to strive towards God-realization.
My desire is to realease my expectations, not even subtly demanding that others behave in a certain way towards me, and to be always happy, loving, kind and compassionate, inspiring others, making them feel loved and cared for. Jai Ma! Amma has saved this fallen soul from lifetimes of futile seeking and suffering. I am eternally indebted to my beloved Mother. She has manifested all good qualities in me such as faith, love, devotion, etc. I am so grateful to be here.
Demigods
Jan 27, 2004
Amma answered yet another prayer! She guided me to a passage in the Gita which explained that all the demigods are only the energy of the Supreme Being - and that it is He who gives all benefits from worship of the various demigods!
Amma answered yet another prayer! She guided me to a passage in the Gita which explained that all the demigods are only the energy of the Supreme Being - and that it is He who gives all benefits from worship of the various demigods!
Devi worship and Krishna
Jan 26, 2004
What is an issue for me here is that worship is centered upon the Divine Mother, which is something that I cannot relate to. I am a Krishna bhakta, and I don't know how to integrate these two attractions - to Amma and to Krishna. I don't feel inspired or devotional when singing bhajans related to the Goddess or when chanting the 1000 names of the Divine Mother. The worship at the Hare Krishna temples is much more aligned with my nature - the kirtans there and the Hare Krishna maha-mantra evoke love of God and intense devotion, quite the opposite of what I feel here at Amritapuri.
What is an issue for me here is that worship is centered upon the Divine Mother, which is something that I cannot relate to. I am a Krishna bhakta, and I don't know how to integrate these two attractions - to Amma and to Krishna. I don't feel inspired or devotional when singing bhajans related to the Goddess or when chanting the 1000 names of the Divine Mother. The worship at the Hare Krishna temples is much more aligned with my nature - the kirtans there and the Hare Krishna maha-mantra evoke love of God and intense devotion, quite the opposite of what I feel here at Amritapuri.
Importance of good association
Jan 25, 2004
Wow. The conversation with "Z" really did a number with me. My whole focus fell apart, I felt totally disconnected from Amma and from the worship of the Divine Mother. Why was my faith so shaken by this conversation? I feel ashamed that someone else's thoughts had the power to have such a damaging effect on me and on my spiritual motivation and faith in God.
Wow. The conversation with "Z" really did a number with me. My whole focus fell apart, I felt totally disconnected from Amma and from the worship of the Divine Mother. Why was my faith so shaken by this conversation? I feel ashamed that someone else's thoughts had the power to have such a damaging effect on me and on my spiritual motivation and faith in God.
Amma tests my faith
Jan 24, 2004
Mother triggered my vasanas big time! I never expected such an intense blow! She placed a devotee before me ("Z") who is an exact reflection of myself at my most rebellious - when I am most critical, pessimistic and lacking in FAITH. It is the "doubting mode", which has been a struggle for the past 18 years, which which I thought was gone forever before Amma made it resurface using this devotee as a catalyst.....From the doubt comes a whole army of vasanas, stemming from cravings for comforts and self-gratification to idealizing material life, imagining that I will be able to find ultimate fulfillment in conventional life, etc. When faith is weak, one also loses motivation to practice sadhana and to extend oneself in service. My mind has been very agitated since my conversation with "Z" last night, questioning and daydreaming - and feeling quite distant from Amma. I am no longer feeling a strong connection to the worship of the Divine Mother (not that I ever did). I am not sure what Amma is trying to accomplish by placing me in such a situation. I feel a bit distraught because She knows how desperately I long for unwavering faith, and how much of a struggle it has been for me to maintain a state of mind free from doubt! I imagine She is simply testing me and making me more aware of the existence of doubt within me. I am feeling sad and discouraged because life is so beautiful when one's faith is secure! The conversation with "Z" brought me to a point of existential despair - I felt like everything that once was so clear and secure suddenly crumbled. It is not pleasant to live doubt of God and Guru an in the necessity of sadhana. I would much rather have things clear cut - you do these things (japa, meditation, etc.) and receive these benefits (peace of mind, self-realization, love of God). I am frightented of my vasanas, especially those related to tv. This is a very strong attachment for me - so much so that I an imagine abandoning my spiritual life just so that I may indulge in tv watching!
Faith is of utmost importance, as all motivation for sadhana arises out of our faith and trust in the process and in God/Guru!
"Don't fret about the bad thoughts...think that the bad thoughts come up because it is time for them to disappear. But be careful not to identify with them. Watch them, but don't relate to them. Don't cling to them." ~Amma
"Our mind is not under our control; it is being controlled by the vasanas. So it is dangerous to follow the mind. If we depend on the mind, which is a slave to the vasanas, we will only experience eternal bondage." ~Amma
Mother triggered my vasanas big time! I never expected such an intense blow! She placed a devotee before me ("Z") who is an exact reflection of myself at my most rebellious - when I am most critical, pessimistic and lacking in FAITH. It is the "doubting mode", which has been a struggle for the past 18 years, which which I thought was gone forever before Amma made it resurface using this devotee as a catalyst.....From the doubt comes a whole army of vasanas, stemming from cravings for comforts and self-gratification to idealizing material life, imagining that I will be able to find ultimate fulfillment in conventional life, etc. When faith is weak, one also loses motivation to practice sadhana and to extend oneself in service. My mind has been very agitated since my conversation with "Z" last night, questioning and daydreaming - and feeling quite distant from Amma. I am no longer feeling a strong connection to the worship of the Divine Mother (not that I ever did). I am not sure what Amma is trying to accomplish by placing me in such a situation. I feel a bit distraught because She knows how desperately I long for unwavering faith, and how much of a struggle it has been for me to maintain a state of mind free from doubt! I imagine She is simply testing me and making me more aware of the existence of doubt within me. I am feeling sad and discouraged because life is so beautiful when one's faith is secure! The conversation with "Z" brought me to a point of existential despair - I felt like everything that once was so clear and secure suddenly crumbled. It is not pleasant to live doubt of God and Guru an in the necessity of sadhana. I would much rather have things clear cut - you do these things (japa, meditation, etc.) and receive these benefits (peace of mind, self-realization, love of God). I am frightented of my vasanas, especially those related to tv. This is a very strong attachment for me - so much so that I an imagine abandoning my spiritual life just so that I may indulge in tv watching!
Faith is of utmost importance, as all motivation for sadhana arises out of our faith and trust in the process and in God/Guru!
"Don't fret about the bad thoughts...think that the bad thoughts come up because it is time for them to disappear. But be careful not to identify with them. Watch them, but don't relate to them. Don't cling to them." ~Amma
"Our mind is not under our control; it is being controlled by the vasanas. So it is dangerous to follow the mind. If we depend on the mind, which is a slave to the vasanas, we will only experience eternal bondage." ~Amma
Vasanas raise their head
Jan 23, 2004
Amma has been showing me my vasanas each day. I am aware of a "big one", which is the root vasana that has caused me to abandon my sadhana in the past. Namely, it is the tendency to want the comforts and indulgences of life in the States (and thinking these things will make me happy) combined with a feeling of discouragement that results from not being able to meditate for long periods. This is tapas for me right now, trying very hard to somehow focus my mind on my mantra and/or Amma's form. I am having much difficulty concentrating, and pray for the patience and motivation to continue on this path so that I do not fall away from sadhana again. I sense that everything will change for the better in this regard once Amma returns, as I have not seen Her in 5 years so it is hard to hold Her form in my mind.
"When the vasanas pull us toward them, the mind will resist if it knows that they are not the source of joy and that they will only bring us sorrow." ~ Amma
Amma has been showing me my vasanas each day. I am aware of a "big one", which is the root vasana that has caused me to abandon my sadhana in the past. Namely, it is the tendency to want the comforts and indulgences of life in the States (and thinking these things will make me happy) combined with a feeling of discouragement that results from not being able to meditate for long periods. This is tapas for me right now, trying very hard to somehow focus my mind on my mantra and/or Amma's form. I am having much difficulty concentrating, and pray for the patience and motivation to continue on this path so that I do not fall away from sadhana again. I sense that everything will change for the better in this regard once Amma returns, as I have not seen Her in 5 years so it is hard to hold Her form in my mind.
"When the vasanas pull us toward them, the mind will resist if it knows that they are not the source of joy and that they will only bring us sorrow." ~ Amma
Amma on the ego and solitude
Jan 22, 2004
"K" told me that Amma told her that the ego is not a big thing in the mind, and that she should just throw it away. Amma also told her to chant japa incessantly and to not socialize - then the mind will slow down. "K" was sent to me by Mother as an answer to my prayer for spiritual friendship.
"K" told me that Amma told her that the ego is not a big thing in the mind, and that she should just throw it away. Amma also told her to chant japa incessantly and to not socialize - then the mind will slow down. "K" was sent to me by Mother as an answer to my prayer for spiritual friendship.
Need to improve my sadhana
Jan 21, 2004
I need to be more consistent in chanting my mantra. I also need to perform seva (and all actions) as worship, visualizing that I am doing each task for Amma!
I need to be more consistent in chanting my mantra. I also need to perform seva (and all actions) as worship, visualizing that I am doing each task for Amma!
Amma shows me my attachments
Jan 17, 2004
Amma has been showing me what I need to let go of. My vasanas have been arising one by one - first, with regard to a physical attraction, second, with regard to craving the comforts & luxuries and easy life at my home in the States. My mind has been quite agitated lately, not able to visualize Amma's form and forgetting to chant my mantra. It is as though my mind is very weak at the moment. I prayed to Amma to continue showing me which aspects still need work, but I begged Her not to abandon me and leave me feeling totally discouraged with a desire to run away and/or to indulge in my vasanas. I pray to be more inspired to transcend my vasanas as a result of seeing all the negativity within me. I am most concerned about the vasana which causes me to lose interest and motivation in spirituality! The mind tends to believe that life in America would be fulfilling, etc. I need to hold tight to Amma's feet no matter how intense things become for me here! Most of all, I pray to continue feeling unwavering faith, love, devotion, and gratitude for Amma, trusting Her implicitly wiht innocent faith, to be able to perceive Her hand in all the events that unfold.
Amma has been showing me what I need to let go of. My vasanas have been arising one by one - first, with regard to a physical attraction, second, with regard to craving the comforts & luxuries and easy life at my home in the States. My mind has been quite agitated lately, not able to visualize Amma's form and forgetting to chant my mantra. It is as though my mind is very weak at the moment. I prayed to Amma to continue showing me which aspects still need work, but I begged Her not to abandon me and leave me feeling totally discouraged with a desire to run away and/or to indulge in my vasanas. I pray to be more inspired to transcend my vasanas as a result of seeing all the negativity within me. I am most concerned about the vasana which causes me to lose interest and motivation in spirituality! The mind tends to believe that life in America would be fulfilling, etc. I need to hold tight to Amma's feet no matter how intense things become for me here! Most of all, I pray to continue feeling unwavering faith, love, devotion, and gratitude for Amma, trusting Her implicitly wiht innocent faith, to be able to perceive Her hand in all the events that unfold.
Amma and ego dissolution
Jan 16, 2004
I prayed to Amma to manifest situations that would uproot my negative tendencies such as pride, selfishness, anger, etc. Literally minutes later, I found myself in a situation that triggered social embarrassment (which successfully dissolved any pride I was feeling) and also anger/hurt feelings from being treated in a harsh manner by others. It brought up the resistance to criticism and a desire to always be seen as "good/spiritual". Amma effectively knocked down my ego - in answer to my prayers this morning!! I felt disappointed in myself for closing my heart and not maintaining a calm and peaceful perspective in this situation. I feel so sad when I don't lead my life in accordance with Amma's teachings. I know Amma doesn't want me to get self-critical, so I must try to avoid doing so. Perhaps this is Amma's way of helping me to transcend my anger, etc. Instead of feeling righteous about being angry, I now feel sad because I long to be able to obey Amma in all situations. I feel that it will be the greatest challenge for me to remain even-minded when dealing with others! How else will I be able to confront my vasanas? May Amma grant me courage so that I may be open to what arises and willing to confront and work on my negative tendencies - no matter how painful the process may be! Please forgive me, Amma, for closing my heart this morning. Please help me to respond to such events with more acceptance and openness in the future, and to always recognize the situations You place me in as Your Divine grace, given to me for my spiritual development!
In Her kindness, Amma blessed me with the presence of a devotee ("K") who is very focused on Amma and every word which flows out of her is related to Amma! This is yet another answered prayer! "K" told me that Amma said that it doesn't matter whether or not we give Amma our ego because if we don't give it to Her, She will take it from us! She also said that Amma told her to surrender her sorrows to Her, that whenever anything arises, we should offer it to Amma (Amma told her to, "Offer it to Me")!
"K" also helped me to see that I have an attachment to clothing and looking/feeling "fresh". She buys all her clothes at the flea market because she feels it would be better to save her money and use it to help Amma's charities! I feel Amma is telling me something about myself - "K" also said that Amma said the sweat of her children from selfless service is like perfume to Her!
I prayed to Amma to manifest situations that would uproot my negative tendencies such as pride, selfishness, anger, etc. Literally minutes later, I found myself in a situation that triggered social embarrassment (which successfully dissolved any pride I was feeling) and also anger/hurt feelings from being treated in a harsh manner by others. It brought up the resistance to criticism and a desire to always be seen as "good/spiritual". Amma effectively knocked down my ego - in answer to my prayers this morning!! I felt disappointed in myself for closing my heart and not maintaining a calm and peaceful perspective in this situation. I feel so sad when I don't lead my life in accordance with Amma's teachings. I know Amma doesn't want me to get self-critical, so I must try to avoid doing so. Perhaps this is Amma's way of helping me to transcend my anger, etc. Instead of feeling righteous about being angry, I now feel sad because I long to be able to obey Amma in all situations. I feel that it will be the greatest challenge for me to remain even-minded when dealing with others! How else will I be able to confront my vasanas? May Amma grant me courage so that I may be open to what arises and willing to confront and work on my negative tendencies - no matter how painful the process may be! Please forgive me, Amma, for closing my heart this morning. Please help me to respond to such events with more acceptance and openness in the future, and to always recognize the situations You place me in as Your Divine grace, given to me for my spiritual development!
In Her kindness, Amma blessed me with the presence of a devotee ("K") who is very focused on Amma and every word which flows out of her is related to Amma! This is yet another answered prayer! "K" told me that Amma said that it doesn't matter whether or not we give Amma our ego because if we don't give it to Her, She will take it from us! She also said that Amma told her to surrender her sorrows to Her, that whenever anything arises, we should offer it to Amma (Amma told her to, "Offer it to Me")!
"K" also helped me to see that I have an attachment to clothing and looking/feeling "fresh". She buys all her clothes at the flea market because she feels it would be better to save her money and use it to help Amma's charities! I feel Amma is telling me something about myself - "K" also said that Amma said the sweat of her children from selfless service is like perfume to Her!
Improved sadhana with Amma's grace
Amritapuri Jan 15, 2004
Amma is so merciful! She answers all my prayers! I prayed to be able to remember Her constantly today, to be able to focus my thoughts upon Her. I also prayed for help in expressing my need for a change of seva. I also prayed for help in staying awake during bhajans and specifically asked Her to help me be able to know which songs were being sung. All these prayers were answered today! I was able to meditate upon Her form with much greater clarity and consistency today, especially during the morning meditation and bhajans. I had a deeper than usual meditation this evening with "lights" - very peaceful and centered just above the third eye, as though coming from above. I was wide awake during bhajans, and I sat next to a group of devotees who were helping each other locate the bhajans, which is exactly what I prayed for! I cried a lot today every time I thought of Amma....and am still feeling profoundly grateful and overjoyed to be here! I feel my life is now complete. I imagine this is the honeymoon phase, as my experience has been entirely benign so far. Amma guided me to sevas which do not take a toll on my body, teaching me that I can be of service even with physical limitations.
Amma is so merciful! She answers all my prayers! I prayed to be able to remember Her constantly today, to be able to focus my thoughts upon Her. I also prayed for help in expressing my need for a change of seva. I also prayed for help in staying awake during bhajans and specifically asked Her to help me be able to know which songs were being sung. All these prayers were answered today! I was able to meditate upon Her form with much greater clarity and consistency today, especially during the morning meditation and bhajans. I had a deeper than usual meditation this evening with "lights" - very peaceful and centered just above the third eye, as though coming from above. I was wide awake during bhajans, and I sat next to a group of devotees who were helping each other locate the bhajans, which is exactly what I prayed for! I cried a lot today every time I thought of Amma....and am still feeling profoundly grateful and overjoyed to be here! I feel my life is now complete. I imagine this is the honeymoon phase, as my experience has been entirely benign so far. Amma guided me to sevas which do not take a toll on my body, teaching me that I can be of service even with physical limitations.
Bliss of ashram life
Amritapuri Jan 13, 2004
My experience here is so deeply fulfilling, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and joy because I know that coming back here was purely Amma's mercy! I was going in a totally different direction, away from spirituality, when Amma took mercy upon me and literally pulled me out of materialistic pursuits and guided me back to Her loving arms.
I have embraced all aspects of sadhana, including areas which were once a challenge for me. I am seeing how obedience to the Guru brings unimaginable blessings; it now seems so silly to think that I once felt such resistance to leading a life of surrender to Amma, as I now see how anything less - all the things I once used to try to obtain happiness - is the cause of suffering in the end.
My main challenges at the moment involve remaining detached from physical pain and learning to focus one-pointedly upon Amma and chanting my mantra more consistently. I have a strong tendency to allow the mind to daydream and engage in reveries about the past and future rather than being attentive to what is happening in the present moment. I need and aspire to develop SHRADDHA.
Amma has blessed me in so many ways - She hears and answers EVERY prayer! I prayed to be able to feel gratitude for what She has done in my life, and She initiated an overwhelming sense of gratitude in
response to the realization that She saved me from lifetimes of suffering and sorrow by bringing me here at Her lotus feet, where I am fully content and ecstatic. I feel as though my time in the "material world" was very much a waste - seeking for happiness through self-indulgence, which I now perceive to be incredibly unfulfilling and empty in comparison to the life I am now leading, a life dedicated to God-realization and devoted to serving and obeying the Absolute in human form, who has been compassionate enough to rescue me from my own demise. May I lead a life worthy of Her grace. Jai Ma!
The stotra which is sung after archana is so profoundly moving! Amma, in answer to my heart's greatest longing, blessed me with such intense devotion and gratitude that I find myself taken over by deep, heart/gut wrenching sobs, tears of joy and gratitude flowing so profusely that the mind actually becomes still, totally one-pointed and focused upon Amma. It is this very experience which is my deepest desire, to feel love, devotion and gratitude and to keep my attention upon Amma. I could never have had this experience by my own effort, nor am I at all deserving of this blessing. She showed me during this process that there is another state, free from incessant thinking - and I felt overcome with emotion as I experienced an intensity and longing for not only my own upliftment, but for the salvation of all souls. I saw how we are in bondage, and that Amma has come to guide us back to Her. I prayed to be able to feel this intensity in every moment, so that I will be inspired to surrender fully to Amma. I now realize that each moment is precious and should be utilized for our spiritual growth.
Remembrance of God/Guru is the key!
I feel that I was born to lead this life and that I am simply not aligned with life in the States...It was Amma who was guiding me all along, through my sense of dissatisfaction with conventional life! I feel so at home, completely content, happy, deeply fulfilled and satisfied. There is no more seeking to attain happiness in external objects and pursuits because I am already whole and complete. This way of life is so fulfilling, there is no longer any movement towards the fleeting pleasures of the world. It was as though I intuitively sensed that conventional pursuits were not going to satisfy me, but didn't realize that there was any alternative! I also had some pessimism with regard to my ability to lead this austere lifestyle, and a great deal of joy arises from realizing that it is not only possible for me to obey Amma and remain consistent in my sadhana, but that I am genuinely enjoying the process and embracing the opportunity to transcend my vasanas!
This is all due to Amma's sankalpa, as I was the complete opposite of this a very short time ago (and for most of my life!)! All glories to Sri Sri Mata Amritanandamayi Devi!
.
My experience here is so deeply fulfilling, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and joy because I know that coming back here was purely Amma's mercy! I was going in a totally different direction, away from spirituality, when Amma took mercy upon me and literally pulled me out of materialistic pursuits and guided me back to Her loving arms.
I have embraced all aspects of sadhana, including areas which were once a challenge for me. I am seeing how obedience to the Guru brings unimaginable blessings; it now seems so silly to think that I once felt such resistance to leading a life of surrender to Amma, as I now see how anything less - all the things I once used to try to obtain happiness - is the cause of suffering in the end.
My main challenges at the moment involve remaining detached from physical pain and learning to focus one-pointedly upon Amma and chanting my mantra more consistently. I have a strong tendency to allow the mind to daydream and engage in reveries about the past and future rather than being attentive to what is happening in the present moment. I need and aspire to develop SHRADDHA.
Amma has blessed me in so many ways - She hears and answers EVERY prayer! I prayed to be able to feel gratitude for what She has done in my life, and She initiated an overwhelming sense of gratitude in
response to the realization that She saved me from lifetimes of suffering and sorrow by bringing me here at Her lotus feet, where I am fully content and ecstatic. I feel as though my time in the "material world" was very much a waste - seeking for happiness through self-indulgence, which I now perceive to be incredibly unfulfilling and empty in comparison to the life I am now leading, a life dedicated to God-realization and devoted to serving and obeying the Absolute in human form, who has been compassionate enough to rescue me from my own demise. May I lead a life worthy of Her grace. Jai Ma!
The stotra which is sung after archana is so profoundly moving! Amma, in answer to my heart's greatest longing, blessed me with such intense devotion and gratitude that I find myself taken over by deep, heart/gut wrenching sobs, tears of joy and gratitude flowing so profusely that the mind actually becomes still, totally one-pointed and focused upon Amma. It is this very experience which is my deepest desire, to feel love, devotion and gratitude and to keep my attention upon Amma. I could never have had this experience by my own effort, nor am I at all deserving of this blessing. She showed me during this process that there is another state, free from incessant thinking - and I felt overcome with emotion as I experienced an intensity and longing for not only my own upliftment, but for the salvation of all souls. I saw how we are in bondage, and that Amma has come to guide us back to Her. I prayed to be able to feel this intensity in every moment, so that I will be inspired to surrender fully to Amma. I now realize that each moment is precious and should be utilized for our spiritual growth.
Remembrance of God/Guru is the key!
I feel that I was born to lead this life and that I am simply not aligned with life in the States...It was Amma who was guiding me all along, through my sense of dissatisfaction with conventional life! I feel so at home, completely content, happy, deeply fulfilled and satisfied. There is no more seeking to attain happiness in external objects and pursuits because I am already whole and complete. This way of life is so fulfilling, there is no longer any movement towards the fleeting pleasures of the world. It was as though I intuitively sensed that conventional pursuits were not going to satisfy me, but didn't realize that there was any alternative! I also had some pessimism with regard to my ability to lead this austere lifestyle, and a great deal of joy arises from realizing that it is not only possible for me to obey Amma and remain consistent in my sadhana, but that I am genuinely enjoying the process and embracing the opportunity to transcend my vasanas!
This is all due to Amma's sankalpa, as I was the complete opposite of this a very short time ago (and for most of my life!)! All glories to Sri Sri Mata Amritanandamayi Devi!
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