February 12, 2004
Day one of the North India tour. I received my spiritual name from Amma sometime around 11pm on Februrary 8th, after several days of emotional "trauma". Amma is showing me that She knows my every thought and deepest longings. She has answered ALL prayers, creating external and internal circumstances which both enable me to transcend my vasanas and also strengthen my love, faith and devotion. The ecstacy of the guru-sishya relationship is the most fulfilling, blissful experience one can have. The fact that Amma knows my weaknesses and creates the perfect situations which help me to develop spiritually, in a manner which is unique to my personal makeup (and that She does this with MILLIONS of Her devotees simultaneously!) intensifies my love and faith. Amma has been so profoundly merciful to me these past months! She blessed me with everything I have ever longed for and more.
The name She gave me, Niscala (Nischala), means "stillness", steady, unwavering, no movement of the mind. The fact that She graced me with this name shows that She knows me most intimately! She knows that my main weakness has been inconsistency, lack of steadiness, alternating between bhoga/tyaga.
I have been crying with gratitude several times each day. Words cannot express what Amma has done for me. To receive my name, She first (in answer to my prayer to remove everything which gets in the way of my ability to love and serve Her selflessly and to love and serve Her children selflessly) created a very intense "crisis" where upon I felt the heaviness of the ego, the root/base of selfishness. I saw how I wanted darshan for myself, to enjoy Amma myself - and I felt deeply attached to receiving a name from Amma on Saturday. But I chose to surrender this attachment in order to serve Amma by serving Her devotees, helping THEM receive darshan instead of getting it myself. This put a lot of pressure in my heart chakra, and I cried for some time afterwards. There was a heaviness, sadness and depression which arose and it wasn't lifted for nearly 24 hours.
The next day, I prayed to Amma about my desire to surrender to Her will, and to help me serve others rather than focusing on my own needs and desires. I also prayed for Her to help me deal more effectively with the stage monitor seva, which I find overly stressful and emotionally traumatic. She, being so loving, generous and compassionate, took mercy on me and enabled me to have an easier, gentler seva of locating Westerners and helping them on stage (so I did not have to deal with the chaos and stress of self-assertion on stage). I received so much gratitude and love from the Western devotees that night, and I began to realize that service to others is deeply fulfilling. Blessings come when we obey Amma's teachings!
I prayed to be able to meditate upon Her lotus face, and after all the trauma of not being able to sit with Her on Saturday (or receive darshan the previous days due to my seva), She allowed me, by means of a sprecial leela, to sit DIRECTLY in front of Her for a very long time! Amma is showing me that by sacrificing my own needs and desires for others, and putting Her (and Her children) first, all I need and long for will come to me without any effort on my part.
I was standing in the name line, not realizing there were many Indian women in line for mantras and two weddings (and men in line on the other side) - so that when I kneeled in front of Amma, She leaned over and almost gave me a mantra! Then She looked up (acting) confused, looked at me and said, "You Annapurna", then laughed. I was forced to my feet and then back to my knees, where I was able to meditate upon Her most attractive face for a long time. This was the longest I have ever sat in front of Amma, and no one was in front of me to block my view! She knew that I had prayed to be able to do so, so that I would be centered upon Her when receiving my name. This leela also made the experience very special to me, which was another of my hearts longings! The smile on Her face, especially when performing the marriages and during the pada puja and when receiving a garland - is exquisite! This is what breaks my heart open! When She was choosing my name, She looked very intently at the name book, then said "Niscala"...then on prasad day, She gave me the most wonderful look - it was as though She was really seeing me for the first time. She made a connection which I've been longing for, showed me that She DOES love me and know me, and acknowledges my efforts to obey Her. She smiled at me, which is something I had been praying for (She smiled at me twice, on Sunday and Tuesday).
I have never been so deeply content, fulfilled, happy, joyful and satisfied. This is the only thing in life which truly gives me happiness! I cannot imagine ever leaving Her lotus feet again! I have such intense motivation and determination to follow Amma's teachings, to do my sadhana and please Her. I am willing to suffer and sacrifice my selfishness and egoic tendencies for Her sake. How grateful I am that She saved me from a life of materialism and self-oriented suffering! May my faith, love and devotion grow and blossom, so that I will be able to serve all beings with an open, compassionate heart.
The mind cannot comprehend how Amma is able to manifest/control life events in such a way as to fulfill Her devotee's deepest longings and to help them transcend their vasanas..the truth of who She is is PROFOUND. She is God, the all-pervading Consciousness, my very Self. This is why She is able to answer all prayers and yearnings. What a blessing to be able to have Her close association and guidance! She is the One who guided me back to Her after so many years spent seeking for happiness in the world. I owe Her my life. I pray that I may be able to surrender my ego/mind fully and remain tied to Her lotus feet until this body dies. I have been blessed with tears for God, She has given me bhakti - guru bhakti...this is so purifying. She is so merciful! May I lead a life that is pleasing to Her! Dear Ma, never let this child go! Hold me tightly to Your bosom and grant me the strength necessary to surrender fully to whatever arises, knowing it to be Your Divine will.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Amma breaks my ego
February 7, 2006
Feeling sad - I have been trying to get darshan for a week now, missed out three times already. This evening, I ended up doing stage monitoring and missed my chance again, only I felt very strongly that this was Amma's doing. She is breaking my ego, my selfishness. By doing stage monitoring, a job I intensely dislike, my ego was effectively smashed to pieces. My heart felt very heavy the moment I realized I may miss darshan again (as my seva didn't allow me to receive darshan myself), yet my attachments to getting a spiritual name and having my mala blessed are selfish because Amma wanted me to serve Her by being a stage monitor rather than getting darshan myself. The irony is that although this situation broke my heart, I also JUST prayed for Her to break my ego!! To remove whatever is in the way of true love and devotion to Her. She is showing me now what must go and IT HURTS! Yet I also welcomed it, it is like a "good pain", though after the fact I was quite traumatized. At first, I broke down sobbing with gratitude in the recognition that She was responsible for creating the situations necessary for me to transcend my ego - out of LOVE for me...I felt overwhelmed with gratitude and devotion - another prayer answered (I pray for deeper love and devotion to Amma).
To do what I don't enjoy for others sake, to sacrifice my own desires and preferences for others happiness - this is what Amma wants me to do. Yet now I feel cut off from others and alone, and very sad. Something shifted after today's darshan. I keep wanting to cry, my smile has gone. Why?? So sad. Feeling far from Amma, like I am missing out....I forgot to mention that the stage was total chaos - which contributed to my emotional state, lots of stress - but when I am with Amma, all emotions become universal. I feel sadness from childhood, and the sadness of all people. I feel very discouraged by my own capacity to be a good disciple, I feel sad that my ego is still here. Feeling the heaviness of the ego.
The look (smile) on Amma's face as they were doing pada puja on stage after darshan is incredible!! You get the sense that She is the Supreme, and in love with Her devotees! Yet I am feeling sad because I have not had much personal interaction with Her and I feel very regretful because I am not a good devotee. I am so selfish and yet I know I am actually doing most everything She says. My wandering mind tends to make me discouraged, but Amma doesn't want us to feel this way, so then I feel bad for feeling bad! Yikes.
She gave one devotee such a loving glance when she was doing prasad seva and I felt sad because Amma hasn't given me much attention like this - but this is not true love, this is jealousy/envy, unhealthy attachment to Amma - so of course I feel bad all over again! Maybe it's astrological? Overwhelmed and discouraged, feeling alone/cut off, sad.
Feeling sad - I have been trying to get darshan for a week now, missed out three times already. This evening, I ended up doing stage monitoring and missed my chance again, only I felt very strongly that this was Amma's doing. She is breaking my ego, my selfishness. By doing stage monitoring, a job I intensely dislike, my ego was effectively smashed to pieces. My heart felt very heavy the moment I realized I may miss darshan again (as my seva didn't allow me to receive darshan myself), yet my attachments to getting a spiritual name and having my mala blessed are selfish because Amma wanted me to serve Her by being a stage monitor rather than getting darshan myself. The irony is that although this situation broke my heart, I also JUST prayed for Her to break my ego!! To remove whatever is in the way of true love and devotion to Her. She is showing me now what must go and IT HURTS! Yet I also welcomed it, it is like a "good pain", though after the fact I was quite traumatized. At first, I broke down sobbing with gratitude in the recognition that She was responsible for creating the situations necessary for me to transcend my ego - out of LOVE for me...I felt overwhelmed with gratitude and devotion - another prayer answered (I pray for deeper love and devotion to Amma).
To do what I don't enjoy for others sake, to sacrifice my own desires and preferences for others happiness - this is what Amma wants me to do. Yet now I feel cut off from others and alone, and very sad. Something shifted after today's darshan. I keep wanting to cry, my smile has gone. Why?? So sad. Feeling far from Amma, like I am missing out....I forgot to mention that the stage was total chaos - which contributed to my emotional state, lots of stress - but when I am with Amma, all emotions become universal. I feel sadness from childhood, and the sadness of all people. I feel very discouraged by my own capacity to be a good disciple, I feel sad that my ego is still here. Feeling the heaviness of the ego.
The look (smile) on Amma's face as they were doing pada puja on stage after darshan is incredible!! You get the sense that She is the Supreme, and in love with Her devotees! Yet I am feeling sad because I have not had much personal interaction with Her and I feel very regretful because I am not a good devotee. I am so selfish and yet I know I am actually doing most everything She says. My wandering mind tends to make me discouraged, but Amma doesn't want us to feel this way, so then I feel bad for feeling bad! Yikes.
She gave one devotee such a loving glance when she was doing prasad seva and I felt sad because Amma hasn't given me much attention like this - but this is not true love, this is jealousy/envy, unhealthy attachment to Amma - so of course I feel bad all over again! Maybe it's astrological? Overwhelmed and discouraged, feeling alone/cut off, sad.
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